Well tonight I have many many things running through my head . I think the realization of the BRCA coming back positive is really starting to set in. No one wants to know they have a genetic mutism that they could have passed on to their children or future children. I feel terrible about it. I feel like everyone gets screwed…and not just me. I may be messed up, but what right do I have to pass it onto to others? What right do I have to marry someone and have children with them…and they not know? The truth is it’s not fair for anyone…but sadly it’s reality.
So somehow someway I need to make sense of this senseless thing and move on. I guess knowledge is power and that’s a good thing right??? It’s better to know….than not know….right?
I have no clue really how to feel. I could shed a million tears over how this could impact my girls. That because of me…and this…they too have an 84% chance of getting breast cancer. But, on the other hand I am happy that they will be continually monitored and not have to wait the normal “40 years of age for a mammogram.” Because of this and I helping them? or hindering them? The truth is I bet it’s a little of both. How can a glass be both half full and half empty?
So tonight as I go to shut my eyes I will say I don’t know how to feel just yet. Every minute brings a new emotion and that’s just the facts.
I throw my hands up to God and say “I don’t have all the answers.. I don’t know why… I can’t explain everything… but YOU do and YOU can.” I have to live with the fact that sometime there is no rhyme or reason…there just “is.”
Good Night my friends xoxo
ps- this is how Sophie fell asleep tonight. I told her a story about how she use to crawl into my arms and I would gently brush her hair until she fell asleep as I sang her lullabies. I did just that, and she fell fast asleep. Just a reassurance that I didn’t want to think of anything else in that moment. Just live in it, and absorb every second:)